The Annual Clean

I clean my room top to bottom at least once a year

I throw away stuff that I don’t want anymore

I used to cling onto everything, every memory

Then every good memory became shadowed by the bad

The cleaning got harder and harder every year

I sit here going through old thoughts, letters and gifts

The nostalgia kicks in as I remember the moments

But then I realize their gone

Everything I remember is gone

It all just brings back pain

So I take everything that brings any memory

I throw it away saying goodbye one by one

All the pain, the good and the bad, destroyed

But now I sit here in an empty room

The pain scraped off the walls

I find myself more lonely than ever

I lay on the floor and stair into nothingness

Who am I without those painful memories

Without the depression and grief

I am nobody without it


I actually do go through everything in my room once a year. It started to become really triggering looking through old stuff and trying to decide what to keep. I kinda turned that into a poem about cleaning my mental walls. Sometimes I want to just throw everything away and get rid of everything. But if I do then who will I be. That’s part of my fear of recovery. Who will I be without my depression?


One thought on “The Annual Clean

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  1. I have started to go through all of my old stuff with the intention of eventually getting rid of all of it bit by bit. I guess I’m tired of having so much meaningless stuff. Have a good day anyway and Hi from New Zealand.


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